A few days ago I realised something important.
I've been feeling a lot of pressure to just slot back into the healthy world - and I've been frustrated that people don't realise how intimidating it all is and how it's not that easy.
Then I realised that, whilst there may be people who think that way, the main person who's imposing that expectation on me is me!
Several times recently I've had to let people down as I'm struggling to work out what my energy levels will be like. I've been really embarrassed to do that. But everyone I've done that to has been fine with it. And quite possibly literally dozens of people have told me not to rush things and to allow myself time to adjust.
Actually, it seems like more or less everyone else 'gets' that this is a big transition and will be difficult and take time: I'm the only one who seems to think that's a problem ;-) And as for thinking I'm 'letting God down' by not just slotting in (and so not being 'instantly healed') is just silly...
It is all pretty full-on, though. Today, Martin and I went to Lynn Mall to get my glasses tightened and to pick up some groceries, then on to West Lynn Gardens. We also had a brief visit from his aunty and uncle this morning. All of that was lovely :-) However, even though it was less 'obviously' active than many recent days (fewer hours out of bed, fewer total steps), I'm done in. Mental stimulation (the visitors, all the things to see both at the mall and in the gardens) is proving far more exhausting than actual walking.
It's also exhausting being a walking miracle. Some people get that, but many don't: they're too caught up in their own amazement to realise the impact that's having. I'm a bit on the introverted side at the best of times and, whilst I definitely would be sad if no one was excited about what's happened, I really would like to be treated a bit more 'ordinary' a bit more of the time. I think those reactions are one of the things keeping me from wanting to spend much time in public at the moment. But I presume the more people see me, the less amazed they'll be: I guess that means my strategy might not be the best, but it's what I can manage for the moment :-)
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