This whole Sabbatical has been more difficult than I expected. One key thing it's shown me is how small my capacity is. After removing literally everything from my life that felt like work and that seemed in any sense optional, I freed up really very little time at all. Because, after essentials like eating and showering and dressing are done, 7 hours per day (my current capacity) doesn't stretch to a lot else.
I'd hoped the Sabbatical would mean I could rest, and then I could pick up fun things that I don't usually have capacity for. To some extent I have.
- I've moved from doing exercise two days per week to three ('exercise' involving things I enjoy, like riding my bike). I'm getting fitter and fitter, which is satisfying in its own way, too.
- I'm playing my violin again (which I hadn't since my concussion), and I'm doing 25 minutes 3x per week most weeks. Before the concussion it was generally 15 min 2x per week, so that's a big increase. And I'm absolutely loving it.
- I'm seeing more people. Nothing like as much as I'd like, and there are still plenty of people I haven't seen for months or more, but I'm quite often catching up with 2-3 lots of people in a week. I'm going to church a bit more often now, too, although still basically fortnightly.
- I'm doing two slots for extended prayer/Bible reading/reflection each week - the Friday Sabbath one I've had for a while, and this new Monday one.
- On Friday I was eating some unusual (and delicious) chocolates with some friends, and had a thought of how I could make something similar. On Saturday I tested out my idea and on Sunday I gave my friends chocolates to try at church. In the last few months I've done a few bits of creative/experimental cooking like that (after having done none for a very long time), and also some more challenging embroidery. It's been lovely to do so, and it surely shows I'm much less strung-out than I was before the Sabbatical.
That's not as much as I would have expected to have picked up by now, though. In particular, I was hoping to do some reflective reading with Martin (which we have just started), and to have returned to the Sāmoan language studies that I started late last year. And I certainly wasn't expecting to still be as fragile as I am now. Just yesterday I decided to be spontaneous and stay and chat with someone who showed up when I was going down to rest - I probably chatted under half an hour, but that unexpected activity made me so exhausted I spent a lot of the evening crying and miserable and am still pretty shattered today. I was hoping reducing my base-load of exhaustion would have given me more flexibility than that :-(
The other day someone said something to me about how I'd be spending the 'last few weeks of the Sabbatical', and that sent me into a spin. I don't really feel ready to pick stuff up again yet - this being the last few weeks was a bit horrifying! I certainly don't feel able to go back into being as stressed and pressured as I was back in February. And yet Just Kai still feels really important, and just not doing it doesn't feel right at all.
So I've been praying a lot, these past few weeks. I don't want to go back to all that pressure; I want to carry on with playing the violin, seeing people, and having the head-space to be creative; I do want to keep Just Kai going. But how? It doesn't feel possible, within the 7 hours a day of energy that I have.
On Sunday, I felt God show me something. I can build a life that works - a life that's sustainable and balanced - and it's up to Him to build something with what I can give to Just Kai within that.
That felt so hopeful!
I'm not sure how to do that, and I expect it'll take some iterations and maybe change over time anyway, but I'm wanting to take time over the next few weeks to draft a possible plan. To think through a plan for the week where I schedule slots for the following:
- 3 half-hour violin sessions
- 3 exercise sessions
- seeing 2 lots of people each week
- two blocks each week for 'pottering' - weeding the garden, sewing, decluttering around the house.
- two blocks each week for Just Kai, each of maybe 60-90 minutes
- at least one slot each week for stuff that comes up - be that more Just Kai stuff, work related to the household etc.
- and maybe a 'fun thing' slot each week, to carve out some time to be creative.
I'm not sure if that'll work - I fear it's more slots than there'll be time for. I may need to reduce the violin and exercise ones to 2x per week. Carving out time for creative stuff may not work - that's very dependent on energy. And there's still no space for learning Sāmoan in there. Maybe it'll work better to focus on Just Kai for four weeks and then other stuff (like the Sāmoan) for two and get into a rhythm like that? I don't know. And, in terms of Just Kai, this is likely going to involve other team members sticking with roles they picked up for longer than they were expecting. If that doesn't work for them, I guess it'll involve Just Kai becoming a lot smaller.
I'd appreciate your prayers (and ideas) as I try to work through this.
No comments:
Post a Comment